Every American election brings howls of outrage from supporters of the losing side. It’s pretty common to hear about all the people who will move to Canada, or to New Zealand, because of how awful the winning candidate is. 

It’s almost always cheap talk. Uprooting your family to move somewhere else is a big decision, and a lot more expensive than expressing your outrage with hyperbolic statements.

This time, it’s looking a bit different for non-citizens living in the US. The American government always made it pretty clear to non-citizens on visas, and permanent residents, that they are tolerated rather than welcomed. That looks set to get far worse. The weekend’s travel ban was bad and there is likely more to come. And New Zealand is looking pretty good by contrast.

And so, here are a few helpful welcome tips to any new New Zealanders we might welcome from America.

• Tomato sauce has nothing to do with ketchup. It looks like ketchup, it smells like ketchup, but it ain’t ketchup. It’s best avoided.
• Marmite sounds terrible, but learn to love it. It’s great.
• Go to Spotify and listen to Flying Nun’s back catalogue. Avoid Dave Dobbyn. 
• If you’re avoiding fishing in the sea because you can’t find the office that will give you a fishing licence, stop looking. You don’t need a licence to fish in the sea.
• When a Kiwi says something is ‘quite good’, they usually mean ‘less than good’. Not more than good.
• If a Kiwi asks you which sports team you support, don’t tell them that you root for the All Blacks. It means something else here. Just… don’t. 
• Similarly, a Kiwi might ask you to go out tramping. It means hiking. Not the other thing. And if you go, leave the gate the way you found it out in the paddock. 
• You had to carry your passport with you all the time in the States to prove you were legal. You don’t have to do that here.
• Our police are generally unarmed and generally friendly. If you get pulled over, you don’t need to worry about being shot. It’s really nice.
• The public insurance system means you can generally just go and do awesome things and not have to worry about signing waiver forms. Be careful out there and have fun.

But most of all, welcome home.