New Zealand, we love you. We love you Aussies. Jacinta (Do you mean Jacinda? – Ed.) Ardern, not so much. OK, maybe you didn’t split the atom and you don’t know how to play football, but we love you. You’re a proud, free nation and you stand up for your principles. That’s why my good friend Peter Thiel is a New Zealander.  

But this is going to be a Golden Age for the United States of America. I’m Making America Great Again, and I’m here to tell you that we’re ready to make you an offer to be the 51st state. OK, the 52nd. The 51st will be Canada. It’s a uuge compliment. 

On that note, I’m going to be Making America Respected Again on the world stage. No more of these war-mongering Democrats picking pointless fights with foreign countries. That’s why even before being inaugurated I’ve told everybody I want to take control of the Panama Canal and annex Greenland. It’s so, so big on the world map, people. 

Free speech is so so important to me. That’s why I’ve personally gone after anybody who’s made any real criticism of me. “General” Mark Milley, your portrait’s out of the Pentagon. Meghan McCain, I’m calling you a low-life because I didn’t like your father. I prefer war-heroes who don’t get captured. I prefer them like me, with no military record. I mean zilch, nada. Somehow I dodged that Vietnam draft, but it was so close. 

Anyway, academic freedom too, so so important. That’s why we’re going to stop our universities turning our students into communists and terrorists. Ron DeSanctimonious has led the way on this. He’s taken over the New College of Florida, he’s fired tenured professors, he’s banned gender studies. That’s so, so academic freedom. 

I also want to talk about merit. We’re going to Make America Fair again. No more special deals for the Democrats’ relatives and friends. I’m looking at you, Hunter. In this administration we’re only going to hire the best people with no conflicts of interest. That’s why I’ve hired the businessman Elon Musk (such a great guy) to help regulate businesses.  

We’re taking this country back from the crazy, pie-in-the-sky schemes of the Democrats. That's why we’re going to Mars, people. We’re going to build Trump City on Mars, people, it’s going to be so so beautiful, with beautiful great big golden Trump Towers everywhere. And we’re going to make the Martians pay for it.