Lawyers and political commentators say New Zealand has gone “too far” in empowering its police force. This speculation must end. Big Brother is here and you have nothing to fear.

Not convinced? Fine, Big Brother shall explain why there is nothing to worry about!

We passed legislation in the House this week, even though the Unpatriotic Opposition tried its best to stop this from happening. The naysayers claim we have granted police authoritarian powers by allowing them to enter properties without warrant.

Citizens, fear not! The police are only permitted to enter a property if they think you are breaking our rules.

Anybody who claims the police will abuse this power is lying. Sure, the Australian anti-gang task force has used its similarly extraordinary powers to abuse the law – even using unleashed dogs as a justification to raid a private dwelling. But citizen, if you have nothing to hide then surely you must have nothing to fear!

And this talk about facial recognition as an infringement on your privacy rights is a load of hogwash. Don’t you want the police to easily identify those who are committing crimes against Covid-19 hygiene?

I have even been personally assured the police will only temporarily use this new power. Don’t worry about cops refusing to relinquish these powers after this extraordinary time. After all, the Government always rolls back controversial law changes when things return to normal. Look at any history book!

But what about the concept of the rule of law, I hear you ask?

Well, we have been guaranteed by Crown Law that everything we are doing is perfectly legal. Citizen, I would not worry about it!

Oh, you now want to see the advice we got about these law changes? Sorry, the Attorney-General thinks releasing these documents might unnecessarily scare folk, so Big Brother will spare you this trauma.

Just remember citizens, we have your best interests at heart. We would never exceed our legal power, because we can’t exceed our legal power. After all, if we ever do something wrong, we can just retrospectively legislate it into existence. That’s how much we care about you.

So do not heed those commentators. Big Brother is on your side. Now is not the time for questions. Rest assured citizen, if you comply – and do nothing questionable at home – we’ll all get through this, united, as a proud country.