I leaned at the bench, feeling exhausted. Looking around, I could tell they were all feeling much the same. None of it mattered though. We were stoked.

Now, this was not the aftermath of a rigorous gym session or sporting endeavour. Rather, our Crate Day had come to an end.

The first Saturday of December, Crate Day, has become a celebration of sun, summer, and crate beer. Bogans throughout the country ushered in the final month of the year by sharing a swappa crate with their mates, firing up the barbeque, and playing backyard cricket. Harmless fun, right?

We couldn’t have been more mistaken.

In response to the annual celebration Dr John Bonning, a doctor at Waikato Hospital, bizarrely called for the introduction of lockout laws. These laws have been extremely successful in reducing the number of pubs and pub-goers in Sydney, meaning more people now drink at home. Talk about putting out fire with gasoline.

So concerned was Dr Bonning for the health and well-being of the nation, that he was able to prescribe yet another recommendation too – a nationwide ban on Crate Day. How this would work out in practice is anyone’s guess.

Forget pubs and clubs. It’s a terrible thing that law-abiding adults be permitted to consume a legal product. If not for Crate Day people would never drink beer and barbeque in the privacy of their own backyards, or so the Dr Bonnings of this world must assume.

When I was a youngster, I recall my parents telling me to get outside and play in the sun. I needed to get off the internet, stop playing video games and instead be sociable with my peers.

While well-intentioned, my folks were unaware that such negative messages might one day result in their son growing up to be a sociable, beer-drinking, master of the barbeque. 

If only they had consulted a health professional first.

We have to thank Dr Bonning for his innovative policy proposals to save adults from themselves. Lockout laws would keep us away from pubs, while a ban on Crate Day would presumably see us drinking beer from stubbies, cans, or anything other than crate bottles. How altogether more civilised. 

And when next summer ushers in another Crate Day, the public health types will inevitably be ready to lecture us about our bad behaviour and their new ideas to keep us in line.

It’s enough to make you drink.