New Zealand’s drinking culture might be dying.

Many signs are pointing that way. Youth hazardous drinking rates are down.

National health spokesman Jonathan Coleman condemns binge-drinking events like Crate Day as a “throwback” to a past New Zealand should leave behind.

And despite perfect beer drinking conditions across the country, New Zealanders seem to have confirmed this sentiment. The notorious annual binge drinking event, Crate Day, came and went without much drama.

More literally though, New Zealand’s drinking culture might actually someday die.

Because of all the old people.

All the old people whose heavy and hazardous drinking is rising while youth drinking is in decline.

Don’t believe that Grandma might secretly be downing funnels when she says she’s off to crochet club? Think again.

Recent reports have exposed a hidden problem in the community: old people ordering taxis to deliver booze to their rest homes.

With age comes wisdom. I do not recall anyone from my residential hall exhibiting such inventive spirit when I was at university. And I went to Otago.

The Wellington grey hair brigade is no better, either. A local lawn bowls club faces closure because of too much ‘rowdiness’ and not enough bowling.

I repeat: with age comes wisdom. Lawn bowls has been an effective ruse for elderly debauchery. But with $3 gin and vodka, and noise complaints from the neighbours, people were getting suspicious.

The issue is widespread in countries facing ageing populations. In the United Kingdom, the vice-chair of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Alcohol Harm is advising the public not to buy alcohol for older relatives this Christmas. She urges people to remember that company is a much better gift than booze for older people.

While my company is certainly dazzling, I know a few people who might disagree that it is better than a bottle of good Scotch.

How have old people kept their mischievous ways so hidden? Have they been secretly adding vodka to their Earl Grey tea while the nurse’s back is turned?

Does alcohol explain why they still enjoy Coronation Street? Are they preloading on gin before bingo night? Are hangovers the reason they nap so much?

These are questions worth investigating.

So this Christmas, I urge my fellow young people (I’ll be generous, let’s say under 50) to share a beverage with your beloved older relatives.

Their lawn bowls stories just got a whole lot more interesting.