My fellow Americans, I used to carry around this little book. Or maybe it was a big book.

Anyway, it had words in it. Important words. And these words, they’re like a... like a GPS.

You know, those fold-out things you keep in your glove compartment. Except this one doesn’t fold. Or maybe it does. I’m not sure. But it’s still important.

So today, I’m going to read these words to you. Or try to, anyway. Here goes:

We the People

That’s us, folks. You, me, the guy at the... the place. You know, the one with the thing.

of the United States,

United States. That’s important. We’re united. Except when we’re not. But we should be. I think.

in Order to form a more perfect Union,

Perfect union. Like a... like a really good sandwich. A union sandwich. Or was it a club sandwich? Anyway, it’s where all the ingredients just... you know, they come together. But it’s not about sandwiches. I don’t think.

establish Justice,

Justice. It’s like... it’s like when you’re in a courtroom, and there’s this guy in a robe. Mr. Justice, they call him. Except it’s not always a mister. Sometimes it’s a... a... you know, the other kind. But they all wear robes. I think.

insure domestic Tranquility,

Domestic... that means at home, folks. And tranquility. That’s a big word. It means quiet. Jill tells me to be quiet sometimes, especially after 8pm. Says it’s bedtime. But we’re talking about the country, not me.

provide for the common defence,

Defence. Is it written with a ‘c’ or an ‘s’? I can never remember. But it’s about protecting. Protecting us from... from the bad things. You know, the things we don’t like.

promote the general Welfare,

Welfare. Not like... not like the welfare checks. Well, more like checks and balances. But it’s more than that. It’s about making sure everyone’s okay.

and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,

Liberty. That’s freedom, folks. And blessings. Those are good things. And posterity. That’s... that’s... well, we’ll get to that later.

do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

And there you have it, folks. The whole... the whole shebang. The thing that guides us. Or follows us. Or both. I’m still not sure. But I know it’s important. Really important.
God bless you, and God bless America. And may God bless... you know, the thing.