In a stunning display of temporal gymnastics, Labour leader Chris Hipkins has unveiled a novel explanation for New Zealand’s maths education crisis. He’s blaming it on a policy that Labour scrapped over six years ago. 

Responding to the Coalition-government’s radical plan to actually teach children mathematics, Hipkins pointed the finger squarely at National Standards. That’s the John Key-led National government’s assessment system Hipkins consigned to the educational dustbin in 2017. In so doing, Hipkins has created a fascinating new branch of mathematics where cause and effect operate in reverse. 

Not to be outdone in the race to educational regression, the Primary Teachers Union has its own concerns. They worry that a structured curriculum focused on numeracy skills might not meet the “diverse needs of learners.” After all, why teach children to count when we can currently count on their diverse inability to do so? 

Union spokesman Martyn Weatherill bravely pointed out that a “narrow curriculum prescribed by policy makes teaching harder, not easier.” It seems the Union would rather not bother with tougher standards and instead continue our proud tradition of educational underachievement. 

The Union also frets about the “incredibly short timeframe” of five months to implement the curriculum changes. One wonders what this says about the state of teaching if mastering a curriculum designed for 5-10-year-olds is cause for alarm. How many more cohorts of primary school students are we willing to consign to the innumeracy dustbin until the Union feels ready to tackle basic arithmetic? Perhaps in the grand scheme of educational progress, another generation with poor maths skills is a small price to pay for a leisurely policy rollout. 

After decades of sliding towards the bottom of the international rankings, we can take comfort in one thing: Our education system excels at finding creative excuses for not teaching maths. Between Labour’s time-bending blame game and the Union’s commitment to diverse innumeracy, we’ve mastered the art of educational stagnation. 

However, with the National-led government insisting on a structured maths curriculum, we face a new crisis. We might actually improve our international standing. Imagine the horror of our students understanding basic arithmetic or, worse yet, excelling in mathematics. What would we do with a generation of numerically literate citizens? 

One thing’s for certain: if this reckless pursuit of educational improvement continues, New Zealand might have to find a new claim to educational fame. Perhaps we could lead the world in nostalgia for educational mediocrity.